Oh, the Places You Won't Go!
Oh, the Places You Won’t Go!
Both my daughters have now come home from New York City to hunker down here on Long Island. We’ve had many meaningful chats and a family dinner of tacos last night. My one daughter is a month away from defending her dissertation. She will have a PhD in counseling psychology. My husband is a psychologist; it’s kind of the family business. My brother-in-law and sister-in-law are also psychologists. Anyway, we were talking about loss in the time of Coronavirus, and the places we won’t be going to (!). My daughter coined the title of this piece, thinking a dystopian story should be written, counter to Dr. Seuss.
My daughter was seeing patients for her internship at a college counseling center, and of course, it just abruptly ended. Many colleges are finished for the semester. She most likely will not see her patients again in person, although they can do phone conferences. Also, she realized she will be defending her dissertation at a zoom conference, with a suit jacket and perhaps some pajama pants! She said she’d been imagining her dissertation defense for six years. She was feeling blue. I mentioned the little kids who won’t have anyone at their birthday party this weekend.
My husband brought it back to the people that could be dying. How do these now seemingly trivial events stack up against real suffering? I asked my husband how would he counsel patients who are experiencing their own loss of normalcy and routine. He said he would interject the larger picture of pain and suffering.
My daughter then said one of the most important ideas she has learned over these years of study and practice is that both can exist at the same time. In other words, that you can feel sad for your own personal losses while acknowledging that there’s a larger context. You can still be sad; it doesn’t invalidate your own experience. It’s not either/or. For example, you love your parents, and (not but) you can acknowledge painful feelings towards them.
And there you have it. Some philosophical musings on a Saturday afternoon.
Thanks for sharing. What I find as an emotional high the past few days are the unexpected being-with that we've found ourselves in. Being with spouses, children, friends that we might not have taken the time to do. Enjoy!
ReplyDeleteThat's a really healthy perspective- the idea of and instead of either/or feels refreshing. Yes, many of use could have it way worse, but it doesn't mean that we aren't impacted in our own ways. As someone in the middle of writing my dissertation, I feel your daughter's plain. I can't imagine having to defend years of hard own via zoom...though the pajama pants part sounds appealing. Thanks for letting us be a part of your family dinner.
ReplyDeleteI wrote of similar situations today - that of disappointments in this time when things are cancelled. I hope your daughter can still feel accomplished even though Zoom is how she will defend her dissertation. It sounds like you have a very supportive family and will all get through this together. Carol from The Apples in My Orchard during the #SOL20 Challenge
ReplyDeleteAnd when our external movements are constrained, there will always be endless inner explorations available :O
ReplyDeleteFirst thought: I had a Zoom interview in a hotel room when I applied for the NEA Better Lesson Master Teacher Project. My husband slept behind me while I interviewed at 5:00 a.m in my pajama bottoms and a suit jacket. We were in San Francisco at the time, and the interviewer was in Boston.
ReplyDeleteSecond thought: I read a post this morning in which the author recounted a colleague saying, “This isn’t a civil war” about the coronavirus. Maybe this little discomfort and disruption will promote empathy for those whose suffering is longer, more painful, and more life-threatening.
It can be hard to see beyond our own troubles. Shopping was quiet the example this morning, you can either be upset that they are out of your favorite brand, or grateful that perhaps someone who needed it more was able to take the last one.
ReplyDeleteWe will need to accept a new approach to our learning and conferences like ZOOM. Besides wouldn't you just smile a little more if you're in this nice business suite with pajamas. I love it. Our emotions matter, as do yours. It is hard to keep it balance thought.
ReplyDeleteThat wisdom she shared is a bit of perfection. It can be difficult for others to understand that one feeling does not mean others can't or don't exist. Good luck to her on her defense. Good luck to you all in your continued conversation. It sounds intriguing.
ReplyDeleteThe title is brilliant! And I guess it is all about perspective. But I think we have to validate the feelings of sadness and disappointment even while we are luckier than the ones who are very sick and their loved ones. I am worried for all the people in financial ruin too. I know we will climb out of this as a country but when and how long will it take?
ReplyDelete